It is hard to be motivated…

11Feb10

…especially to write about my RA.

I haven’t been writing to process my feelings because my husband and I have been addressing my RA as an issue in therapy.

My RA can be a huge difficulty for us and it is one that we have yet to work through because it is always there. It isn’t a phase that we can pass through. It is part of who I am.

Right now, we are working on being more empathetic to one another. It has made me realize how I empathize with him in theory, but often feel resentful because the script in my mind is that “his experience can’t be as awful as mine.” This thought process is so unfair and leads to the both of us trying to feel validated and never validating the other person.

It just makes me realize that living with my RA can create a bubble for me. A bubble that makes it very hard to see other people’s perspectives. It is always about how I feel, how other people impact me, and how much harder my life is than everyone else.

It creates a jealousy that is starting to turn my stomach. Yes, my life can be difficult, but I’m the one who decides what to do with that. I do have a choice and lately the choice has been to mope and feel sorry for myself.

I have to figure out a way to turn it around. I’m not saying I should pretend it isn’t hard. But I need to honor the struggle, while appreciating what I have.

I have a long road ahead of me.

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