The snow ball effect

17Jul09

So two nights ago I had a bit of insomnia. It has been worse, but I was awake for the crucial 2-4am hours, so when I woke up, I felt like I was run over by a truck. Most of the day consisted of me yawning and wishing I could sleep. It was not cool.
That evening I decided that instead of walking home, which I have been trying to do as often as possible as part of my push to be as healthy as possible, I would take the bus.

My feet were hurting and I was pretty much exhausted. Once I got on the bus there weren’t many seats left, so I took one of the the front seats. I always try to go farther back if possible, but often those seats are full. I made sure to sit in the middle seat, next to this older lady, in order to leave space in case there was someone who really needed an immediate seat. A few minutes later a girl in her early twenties sat next to me.
The bus took off, but there is a light where the buses pick up passengers and someone banged on the door to get it. I wasn’t paying much attention, hoping to zone out for the rest of the trip home.

Well apparently, one of the people who got on the bus was another older lady. After a few moments, someone got up and let her sit down. The lady sitting next to me then turned to me and the girl sitting next to me and said “You girls are supposed to get up for her.” Now, I really had no tolerance for any scoldings at that point. The girl next to me said “I’m sorry, I didn’t see her.”  I turned to the woman, looked her straight in the face and said “I have hip replacements.” The lady kind of paused and then mumbled a quick “sorry.” I turned back in my seat and didn’t look at her for the rest of the trip.

When I got home, apparently my overwhelmed emotional state got to me and I had a good cry about it all. Then I was pissed that I let someone get to me like that. I’m sure that most people deserve the scolding. I know people are reluctant to give up their seats. I also know that no one would give up their seats for me no matter how bad I felt because I look healthy. And I know the woman who got on the bus needed the seat more than I did, but it was obvious that she could use a seat and I assumed someone would give her a seat, which they did. I really resent the fact that I am made to feel like I’m supposed to gauge whether I deserve a seat more than someone else. This is why walking is better, even if it is difficult.

Anyway, there is no reason to keep feeling angry about it all. It isn’t really that lady’s fault. It just pushed on the button of why this disease can be a really difficult one, because to most people it is invisible. If you look hard enough, you can see. But how often do any of us do that?

And it capped off a pretty crappy day.

Ultimately, she could have been much more rude about it and not apologized, so I guess I should figure it went pretty well.
Honestly, I was a bit surprised by my actions. I would have thought that I would have just ignored her. But I was going to be damned to let her just judge me without having a clue about me. Although then I was mad that I had to justify myself to a total stranger. See where this is heading? This is why I try not to get angry at stupid stuff like this. It just snowballs. But I had no resistance to it yesterday. I was just spent.

Thankfully, I got a good night rest last night. And it’s Friday, so today has to be better, right?

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