Seeing signs of a slump

01Mar09

So far I have been kicking ass in the exercise department. I have kept up my strength training three days a week for the last two weeks. I have also at least walked for 20 minutes each day and have even biked for up to 60 minutes at least three times this week. I can tell that it is helping with my energy level. I’m feeling like I can do more.

Well I was, at least, until today..

Yesterday I noticed my wrist getting sore and then today I felt achy. There is a huge snow storm predicted here in the northeast and although I don’t think it makes much sense, the change is pressure usually impacts my RA. So today I went grocery shopping to get it out of the way and not have to worry about the snow. But beside that and sorting clothes that my darling husband has washed, I have done nothing else. I took a nap and I have watched TV.

Part of me feels if I”m falling asleep on the couch then I may need to rest and take a day off from exercise. But I’m really scared of doing that. If I skip one day it gets infinitely easier to skip another. I’m feeling so much better and starting to hope that maybe I can lose some of this weight that is constantly draining me of energy. I think that I will just try to mentally prepare myself for working out this evening.

One other reason for my feeling bad may be the amount of sugar I ate this weekend. My husband went to the local bakery and got me some treats and we went to a party last night that also included some baked goods. Sweets in moderation are not bad, but I seem to have a compulsion and if I have four or five cannolis in the house then they will be lucky to last two days. I’m not doing well at managing it. I know that if I feel bad, I eat to feel better. I also eat when I’m bored. I try to find ways to manage my emotional eating, but it is something I continue to struggle with. I try to have healthier snacks. I also try to identify when I’m eating for other reasons besides hunger. I know that I probably should track what I eat to help me be more aware of what I put into my body. But I have a lot of emotional pain attached to my weight and dieting and feel very resistant to focusing on that. I have felt bad about my weight as a child and even dieted in high school. I’ve only been a healthy weight a handful of times in my life and that usually happened when I had a more active lifestyle. I have only lost weight once when dieting and that was while I was on weight watchers. I felt like I was obsessed with food and it was exhausting. Usually when I gain weight, it is in times of stress when I eat for comfort and stop being active.

Last summer I read a book called “When Food is Love” by GeneenRoth. She really helped me identify some of my emotional eating tendencies. It also helped me wonder if I’m resistant to losing weight because the weight helps me stay invisible. It is almost like a wall.  I think I’m more comfortable with that because if people get too close, they’ll see my disfigurement. Being comfortable in my body is not something that happens often, whether I am having a flare or not.

All these things seem to be interrelated. I guess it means that I need to resist the urge to continue to gorge on sugar and push through and get on my bike. The book I mentioned talked a lot about making self-loving choices. So that is what I’m going to make an effort to do. Because if I don’t love myself, who will?

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